Some Lessons

        It's been almost a year since I was exposed to increasing awareness.Even now I am facing surge of negative feelings.Growing up is really hard!.But here are a few positive lessons that I learnt...

1.No matter how hard it is,never give in to suicidal thoughts.Just stay aware of them,just live.
2.If something feels right to you which contradicts what other's say,stick with your judgement.
3.Be totally easy on yourself.This transition takes time and you cant ignore waiting.
4.Even if elders advise you to just get over it, or buy you into doom stories,don't listen to them.Respect your decisions.
5.You don't have to go and deliberately face your fears,what you are facing just now is enough.
6.Sometimes do something really great!Out of the box.This eases feelings of worthlessness.
7.If people judge you,judge them!.

Even these little pointers are very valuable and can ease your journey.The first pointer is the crux of this process.As the say'Dying is easy,living is hard'.

The Art of Growing up

   We all have heard everybody say that "the most hard time in your life is when you are growing up".In most people's lives this is a phase of transition and causes havoc.It usually happens during the age of 16 and continues until we totally grow out of this havoc.Our usual nature is to resist this transition as it is highly uncomfortable as you are bombarded with the feelings we usually tend to avoid,mostly depression,worthlessness,inferiority,fear,guilt,hopelessness,despair,confusion,boredom,loneliness,anxiety.Our most general solution is to fix these feelings through relationships,drugs,chatting,socializing etc.Now I am not saying that you don't have to do this,but as one grows up, one cant help but feel the pressure in some way to face these feelings as one becomes more aware of the prevalence of theses feelings in their life more and more.

    So what one should do when one is going through this transition(literally it's a blazing storm inside yourself)?The most important thing to understand that we, as a child, were not aware of these feelings due to low sensitivity.But as we grow into adults, this sensitivity increases as we are exposed to the real world.It's highly uncomfortable(by high I literally mean the peaks of discomfort) and one does feel hopeless,almost suicidal, if one does not have the understanding that this is normal part of transition.So you need to be easy on yourself first,this is the most important pointer.By easy I mean being okay with feeling as loser,inferior in fact hopeless.You don't have to go and force yourself to face all your fears in one day.In fact, the suffering you are facing at the moment is the best effort from you during this transition.There is no need to go and face that fearful situation if you don't feel like doing so.You are going through this transition and you are uncomfortable and this is the best facing you are doing.

   One may feel to end his life while going through this transition because the barrage of emotions are quite overwhelming.Also there is uncertainty that when these emotions will feel comfortable or go away.Also you may realize that only you are suffering and other's are happy.Again this is also normal.And most important,in any case don't give up your life.Keep it simple.Be okay with discomfort and when it becomes overwhelming go and distract yourself or enjoy a cup of cold coffee!

My Deal with the Awareness Practice

          Hello Guys, Today I am gonna share my experience with the practice of being aware.
I began watching and observing my mind 1 year ago and since then I have become quite aware of all the negative thought patterns. Now the deal here is that, being aware as a practice is okay till we get inspired or feel god to be aware of our mind.However if this practice is extended too long, it becomes suffocating and highly uninspiring.And this is when you have to let go of this practice and just live,pure raw living.

        Now why do we far to let go of the practice of being aware???This is a critical question, and the simple answer is we feel afraid of the brunt of anxiety when we let go of techniques and practices that we use to manipulate our mind. Now, I myself have started letting go of being aware and I can sense anxiety and a sense of freedom at the same time.I wonder what is in store for me in the days coming....

The Dynamics of Mind

     Mind's nature is that it is always volatile.Mind is never stable and it is always swinging between different emotions,thoughts and sensations.After about 1 year of trying to figure out what letting go is, I have come to the conclusion through trial and error that it is best to allow the movement and volatile nature of mind without fearing the bad feelings, sensations and thoughts that it creates.
      So how to do this??The answer is there is no answer.You really cant figure out what the right way is.Even doing it wrong is the right way because you learn through it.In my experience, I think it is best to be flexible in allowing the mind and its movement.And you have to get involved and allow the dynamics.Its not a passive process.
      Currently I am in an extremely negative reality and I am facing bouts of depression, inferiority and worthlessness.But I am willing to see the limits of these feelings and I am allowing them fully.One thing I have totally understood that you cant attain peace through mind, its always chaotic, swinging between polarities.However this does give us an opportunity to find peace beyond it.

Dealing chaos

  We all know what chaos is, no need to explain that.And we often fear chaos, because it causes us pain and discomfort. Currently I am also dealing with a lot of chaos in my life.Earlier my attitude was to take charge and face the chaos or be comfortable in that mess. But actually, I realised today that it is this effort, to be comfortable in negativity, that actually makes it a more painful experience.
    I do agree that it is very hard to realise this. But as my awareness of life is growing, I have started feeling a subtle feeling of peace, though very minuscule, in every negative situation.The negativity is there in enormous proportion  and I am being tormented by thoughts of fear, hatred, self-image, worthlessness, uncertainty etc. I am also feeling weak as my ego is dying away. But still I accept every situation, and be relaxed as much as possible. Earlier I used to fake an attitude of positivism even in negative situation.It gave me temporary comfort, but soon I realized that once I put my guard down, I was again weak and vulnerable.This came as a shock knowing that you have almost tried for 3 years to be positive, but underneath that façade you are still a carcass.
   And I do understand that its a journey, and I have to give lots of time, maybe a year for things to change.But its also a relief to know that there are millions like me who are going through this transition or change, although its always a lonely journey.

Uncertainty

   Well, guys, I am in a midst of a storm.My freaking bad weak self image is becoming more and more weak as I allow more and more bad emotions everyday.All this purging is taking a toll on me and the biggest fear, the fear of uncertainty, I am facing it head on and yeah it feels really scary.Everyday I am being bombarded by thoughts of doom and whatever you call bad, and I have found out that its no use fighting these thoughts,fighting or sorting them out only amplifies them.
     Today I watched a video by Jeff Foster, and he has a blog Life without a centre. He also was in the storm of depression in his twenties or something.But eventually he just experienced enlightenment, or consciousness or whatever labels you give.He talks about how to embrace or rather just embrace the present moment,with all the negative or positive thoughts, or desires and ambitions and frustration, depression or other negative feelings, also sensations like headache etc.I liked this concept and even now I am writing this I felt some motivation to write without worrying whether it will turn out good or bad.So I guess that's what embracing means, just embrace, the confusion , the anxiety, the fear, the need for answers, the exhaustion, the emotional hurt, self hatred, self love, the lows the highs, tension, calmness, motivation, need for acceptance, worry, vulnerability, being out of control blah blah blah. the list is unending.
      I am already feeling a sense of simplicity while writing this. No need of proving to others who I am, or prove to others who I am. Doesn't matter what you do.Everything is already accepted. I guess its difficult to tell in words. Sometimes we have to go through our own journey to experience it. Anyways, for those who are in the midst of the storm like me, keep one thing in mind, the storm does end one day, and we don't have to try to end the storm, its just a waste of energy. Cheers!

Emotional Mess

     Guys, you know what I mean by emotional mess.I guess most of us have been there and many of us are in that place.The depression,sadness,loneliness,society pressure,parental pressure,tension,fear blah blah blah.Its never ending.And yes this is reality,we have to face barrage of these emotions everyday.And they are very uncomfortable.The most uncomfortable feeling been the feeling of vulnerability(the feeling when your self image fails you).This feeling really sucks as it is fearful as well as it hurts us the most when someone picks you when you are feeling that way.
    Well what is the usual reaction we are sabotaged by such feelings?Obviously we are conditioned to do anything to avoid this feeling,be it through entertainment,relationships,being busy or drugs or whatever,and we put ourself for a lifelong struggle to be happy(or rather to avoid or suppress these feelings).Well there is a limit to the human capacity of struggle and one day or another in one's journey of life,there comes a point where there is no option but to face these feelings.I am aware that I have come at such a point.I have struggled a lot just to be happy and it never works.All experiences are fleeting leaving you unsatisfied.
    In spiritual circle this is called the illusion of samsara where samsara means the conditioned mind.The mind   is highly volatile and unsteady and this is a fact.So if one is living a highly negative reality( it is called the divine mess in spirituality) it is very illogical to find a solution to this negative reality through a volatile mind.It only leads to more confusion and more mess and this cycle is never ending.
    So in my current awareness I find resonance in making peace with this shit.And making peace means literally being okay with this shit,not sorting it out and letting it be.Its called letting go of negativity.In simple words its like if you are feeling crap, keep feeling like crap until it dissolves and there is no more suffering.And the obvious question is 'when will I feel okay?'.Even I dont have answer to this because I am myself on the same journey.But here's a realisation,does it matter as to what time it will take to reach bliss or stability?Because this journey is inevitable.What's your choice,are you willing to live like a free bird?Or are you okay with living like a pig searching for stale food?Do express your opinions

Shitty Change

  What is your current life situation? Are you stuck? Are you feeling hopeless?Are you into passive spirituality without any results?Well most of us are unwilling to change our life and fucking explore its various facets.We would like to live a comfortable and stinky lives like a worm without any aliveness and experimentation.We would rather sit and fret and worry and say'How the world is a fucking shitty place to live'.We would rather eat shit everyday rather than risk change(the pain of change in more straightforward terms).

    What about me?Well I am done with fretting and complaining and am ready to eat the shit of change rather than keep farting about how life is difficult.And yeah change means facing shit!that's reality.So what about you guys? Are you willing to explore and be ready to embrace the shit?Do comment and express your opinions..