Dealing chaos

  We all know what chaos is, no need to explain that.And we often fear chaos, because it causes us pain and discomfort. Currently I am also dealing with a lot of chaos in my life.Earlier my attitude was to take charge and face the chaos or be comfortable in that mess. But actually, I realised today that it is this effort, to be comfortable in negativity, that actually makes it a more painful experience.
    I do agree that it is very hard to realise this. But as my awareness of life is growing, I have started feeling a subtle feeling of peace, though very minuscule, in every negative situation.The negativity is there in enormous proportion  and I am being tormented by thoughts of fear, hatred, self-image, worthlessness, uncertainty etc. I am also feeling weak as my ego is dying away. But still I accept every situation, and be relaxed as much as possible. Earlier I used to fake an attitude of positivism even in negative situation.It gave me temporary comfort, but soon I realized that once I put my guard down, I was again weak and vulnerable.This came as a shock knowing that you have almost tried for 3 years to be positive, but underneath that façade you are still a carcass.
   And I do understand that its a journey, and I have to give lots of time, maybe a year for things to change.But its also a relief to know that there are millions like me who are going through this transition or change, although its always a lonely journey.

Uncertainty

   Well, guys, I am in a midst of a storm.My freaking bad weak self image is becoming more and more weak as I allow more and more bad emotions everyday.All this purging is taking a toll on me and the biggest fear, the fear of uncertainty, I am facing it head on and yeah it feels really scary.Everyday I am being bombarded by thoughts of doom and whatever you call bad, and I have found out that its no use fighting these thoughts,fighting or sorting them out only amplifies them.
     Today I watched a video by Jeff Foster, and he has a blog Life without a centre. He also was in the storm of depression in his twenties or something.But eventually he just experienced enlightenment, or consciousness or whatever labels you give.He talks about how to embrace or rather just embrace the present moment,with all the negative or positive thoughts, or desires and ambitions and frustration, depression or other negative feelings, also sensations like headache etc.I liked this concept and even now I am writing this I felt some motivation to write without worrying whether it will turn out good or bad.So I guess that's what embracing means, just embrace, the confusion , the anxiety, the fear, the need for answers, the exhaustion, the emotional hurt, self hatred, self love, the lows the highs, tension, calmness, motivation, need for acceptance, worry, vulnerability, being out of control blah blah blah. the list is unending.
      I am already feeling a sense of simplicity while writing this. No need of proving to others who I am, or prove to others who I am. Doesn't matter what you do.Everything is already accepted. I guess its difficult to tell in words. Sometimes we have to go through our own journey to experience it. Anyways, for those who are in the midst of the storm like me, keep one thing in mind, the storm does end one day, and we don't have to try to end the storm, its just a waste of energy. Cheers!